Unveiling the Light

There is a phenomenon here in the United States that sociologists and others have been identifying more and more. I have heard it given several different labels but I call it “Safe Love.� Its existence is evident in our social behavior. The falsehood of this notion of “Safe Love� is equally evident. There is no such thing! Love is full of risks and dangers but it is more than offset by its rewards and pleasure. Safe Love is a means of experiencing the emotions true love entails, but without the risks. It is therefore empty of meaning and in the end frustrating to the practitioner.

I am not writing here about safe sex. Love and sex are two separate things despite what society tells us. I am referring to true love; a love in which you deeply care for a person, be it a spouse, child, parent, or very dear friend. As highly held as sex is in our society, it is really love that humans truly seek. Sex should be an expression of the love between two adults who have committed themselves to each other for life. Without the love it may bring temporary pleasure but is ultimately unfulfilling and can bring on feelings of emptiness and longing, as well as self contempt for selling ourselves short of the real thing.

Safe Love is evidenced by much of the public which is so quickly able to express their sorrow or regret over the loss or downfall of a public figure but are equally unable or unwilling to express true feelings over those with whom they live or have family ties. Thus we have people who still mourn the loss of John Lennon but who are unable to speak of their feelings towards a deceased parent. Millions cried at the loss of Lady Diana, or recently and more strikingly, over the death of a race horse; but many of those millions are unable to tell their parent, adult child or other that they love them. Americans will sit for hours in front of a TV to watch Oprah or others expose the most intimate details of the lives of their guests, but many of these same watchers of TV are unable to speak about important or intimate subjects with their children or spouse and are unable to express their deepest feeling and desires.

Why would so many enter into national mourning over the loss of a public figure but be unable to express the same feelings about someone close to us? The answer of course comes with the risks and dangers of true love. To truly love and express that love to someone close to us is fraught with the potential of being hurt, disappointed or having our hearts broken. So instead many take the safe route of keeping their expressions of love limited to those who cannot hurt them. It is easy to love a Princess Diana or John Lennon. It is a one way relationship with no chance of being hurt in return. Expressions of sorrow at their death are made with the knowledge that our core and being are untouched. It is a safe expression of emotion without forming ties that may come back to hurt us. We can love them without chancing that they might or might not love us back.

Of course, such safe love is eventually unfulfilling and only tends to highlight what is missing in our lives. We are meant to be a people in relation to others. Our society had made a hero of Stoicism, the philosophy of being independent, untouched by the tragedies around us, and able to handle any problems on our own. The reality is that we all need intimate relationships and are stronger in unity than when alone. Intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is the ability to share our true feelings, emotions, thoughts and doubts with someone and being able to trust that person’s confidence and support. It is the ability to lean on someone without worrying about appearing weak and vulnerable. The truth is that we are weak and vulnerable but united with those we love, can be strong and enduring.

True intimacy means we have to take risks and that sometimes we will be hurt, perhaps badly. But there is an old and wise truth that says, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.� There is no chance of true loss with celebrity relationships but there is no chance of true intimacy or true fulfillment either. In the end we will only regret the time we did not take to form loving and intimate relationships. God is the ultimate Love and our love for each other will help to draw us closer to the perfection of Love that created us.

Life goes by very quickly. Do we really want to end up alone and bitter towards the end of this life or spend it memorized by a television that has come to be more real to us than the life in which we live? How ironic that so many of us will avoid the possibility of drama in our lives only to seek it in the lives of actors on a TV screen. We watch others play at life when we are called to live it and given the opportunity to live it every day. Is it so hard to turn it off and visit a neighbor, friend, family member or get to know a stranger? Would it really be so uncomfortable to turn off the noise in our lives and listen to each other?

We are a busy people in this nation and often we may not have the energy to put into relationships what love entails. That simply means that we need to cut back on those things that reward us in temporal ways or which falsely build our self esteem, and that we need to spend more time on things that reward us emotionally and which help to form ourselves into better human beings. The job, your luxury items, and especially public personalities that are shallow and false, being made for our entertainment; will never fulfill our inner desire. Only a loving life in relations to others, one that dares to share ourselves and allow others to share themselves with us, will lead to the fulfillment we desire. We are communal beings and are most happy when we unite with others.

You may think this does not apply to you but ask yourself, “Have you told your child, parent, or spouse that you love them today? When is the last time you sat with them and discussed what was was really going on in their lives and in yours? Who have you expressed your frustrations and hopes to lately? Do you plan on spending time with any of them alone today so as to have the chance to share your experiences? Are you growing as a person with your spouse by sharing your problems, frustrations, needs, and hopes; or are you both so busy in your own lives that you are growing apart from each other?

Your life is happening today. It is not on the TV, in the tabloids, at the theater or in the newspaper. It is in your home, your office, your place of worship, and all the places you find yourself. It is not easy and does not have a conclusion each hour, but it is rewarding and fulfilling when you work at it. It is in you, but you need to allow yourself to experience it. It is not safe and you do need to take some chances, but hurts will heal and true love will last forever. The rewards are worth the risks. The power to live your life is within you, and will be brought forth with your faith in God. It is the greatest gift you can receive. Open it and enjoy it. It leads to the love of our Creator.

Now go out there and have a good life!